The Rejected parent newsletter

This newsletter is for parents who are being rejected by their children and those who support them. I will be sending regular newsletters to give suggestions and support to parents dealing with rejection from their children on all levels. I generally support parents whose children are 18 years and under; however, some of this will apply to parents with adult children as well.

Hello Reader,

Traveling is stressful, and adding young children to your plans can raise stress levels even more. Some families take fun road trips or spend time in amusement parks. When families take a plane to their out-of-state or country destinations, it can test their parenting skills.

Returning from an international trip, I had the opportunity to observe a diverse range of parenting styles from my seat on the flight. The journey was an 11-hour long nonstop flight, a challenging situation for any parent, especially those with young children. Nearby, there were three babies, all around two years of age or younger, each with their own unique set of parents. Two of these children cried out several times during the flight. However, one seldom stopped crying—THE ENTIRE FLIGHT.

The difference between these parents was in the way they reacted to their children’s needs. It was inspiring to see attachment parenting in action. The calm parents offered comforting words when their babies expressed some need. Most of the time, these children’s requests were made by crying. As babies don’t have the words yet, crying is the only way they have to communicate their needs.

The babies that cried out briefly and were comforted immediately appeared happy and content. They hardly interrupted anyone’s peace on the plane. One toddler walked up and down the aisle with their parent, waving hello and smiling to engage passengers. They were happy socializing with their safe base close by, moving freely on their little feet, which was exactly what they needed on that long flight.

Unfortunately, not all parents read the same parenting memo for this long flight. I felt for the parent who struggled with a very active and often angry toddler. The child was strapped into a car seat in the middle of three seats, and sometimes, all I saw was flailing arms and legs. They made some attempts, like the other parents, to calm their child, but most of the time, this parent ignored their child.

It was clear that this parent was trying to extinguish the child’s behavior by closing her eyes and not responding. At one point, all I could hear was “Up, mama,” chanted in an escalation of screams. I could see the baby reaching for his mom, who just sat there still, with her eyes closed, to encourage him to stop. But all that did was make the child scream louder. The cry-it-out method worked once, taking 45 minutes for the child to stop fussing. This was, of course, temporary. My heart hurt for this child, and the passengers nearby seemed on edge; no one on the flight could relax or sleep.

The only true calm I observed for this poor child was when the parents put him on their lap to interact with them. Soon after, the child was put back in the car seat, and the screaming began again.

I wish I had figured out a way to help this parent gently, but it wasn’t my place. As parents, we all struggle with situations like these every day and don’t always know what to do. We do the best we can to address conditions, and sometimes we fall short. It's a journey we're all on, and it's okay to not have all the answers.

Tuning in and responding to what your child needs is the best way to keep them calm. It's not just about managing their behavior, it's about showing them that they matter. This approach helps increase their self-esteem and sense of importance in the world, and it's a responsibility we as parents should embrace.

Traveling by plane, even with a child, does not always need to be a stressful experience. Our babies, just like ourselves, simply want to be heard and feel seen.

-Cathy Himlin