The Rejected parent newsletter

This newsletter is for parents who are being rejected by their children and those who support them. I will be sending regular newsletters to give suggestions and support to parents dealing with rejection from their children on all levels. I generally support parents whose children are 18 years and under; however, some of this will apply to parents with adult children as well.

Hello Reader,

Christy didn’t want to go shopping for clothes with her mom that day. A few minutes into the department store, she took off and hid. Her mom shouted, “Christy, where are you? Come out, and let’s do this quickly so we can go home.” No response. The mom’s heart started to race, and so did her thoughts: what if I can’t find her, and she gets kidnapped? What are all these people going to think if I lost my child? She saw some customers notice her calling for her child.

Christy peered from under a clothing rack in the men’s section and giggled quietly as she saw her mom run by, looking for her. Christy was winning the game of hide-and-seek. Bonus: now her mom is focused on her.

Have you ever encountered this situation with your child? When children run away, it could be for many reasons, and they could be:

• Bored and want to play hide and seek.
• Scared and just bolt as a reaction to something
• Upset due to being tired, hungry, or being told “no”

In Christy’s situation, she was bored and wanted her mom’s attention. From Mom’s perspective, this was a scary and frustrating moment, and there was not enough time in the plans that day.

Children don’t think like adults and are generally spontaneous and reactive to specific moments. They are also blissfully unaware of the potential danger of playing hide and seek in public.

Christy’s mom paused for a moment and realized she needed to think like her little daughter. She remembered she taught her the game “Marco Polo” in the pool that summer. When someone shouted “Marco,” the other needed to say “Polo” back. A form of tag that, with your eyes closed, you might find the person saying Polo.

Mom frantically shouted, “Marco.” all around the store in different sections. In the men’s department, she heard a slight giggle. Mom focused her attention there, ignoring the people staring at her. Christy’s Mom changed her tone and reminded herself that this was a game. This time, in a playful voice and with a smile, the mom laughed, “Marco, where’s my Polo?!”

Giggling louder, Christy couldn't resist any longer and shouted “Polo!!, “ and watched from under a bunch of T-shirts.

“Marco?!” Mom giggled and pretended not to know exactly where her child was.

“Polo!!!” Christy shouted as she popped out of the clothing rack like a Jack-in-the-box to scare her mom. Christy’s mom was so relieved and felt overwhelming love for her daughter.

When the mom viewed the situation from a child’s perspective, she realized she was in a giant game of hide and seek. It’s easy to get mad at your child in these moments because they have ruined your plans in a busy schedule. Or maybe they just scared you so much, and you feel like your emotions are frayed. Or perhaps you feel like you need to punish them so they don’t scare you again and put themselves in harm's way. Sometimes, parents think that if they don’t give a consequence for behaviors like these, their children will repeat the behavior in the future.

Consequences aren’t going to work on a child whose brain development isn’t mature enough to understand public safety. However, learning a child’s tendencies in certain situations may help a parent prevent moments like these in the future.

The following department store outing with little Christy looked a bit different. Mom made sure that Christy had a nap first, and it was right after a meal. She brought a few activities Christy loved, like her favorite dolls, which also needed colorful clothes that day. Mom engaged Christy in clothes shopping with her toys and kept the activity for a period. Throughout this shopping trip, Mom also said, “I can’t wait to go to the duck pond after shopping today. Maybe we will get to see some turtles there this time.” This helped Christy focus on shopping to move on to the next fun activity they liked to do together.

-Cathy Himlin